Ahh, pizza: pizza at the office. Yes. We’ve all been there; maybe not at the office, but somewhere. The call goes out: WHAT KINDA PIZZA YOU GUYS WANT?

Mmm, anticipation. The deep desire to scream,Artichoke Pizza

PEPPERONI!!

And of course our pepperoni brethren echo the call!

PEPPERONI!!

Then the hail of special requests:

The lone vegetarian in the room demands a pizza loaded with 17 varieties of vegetables; and of course there is always that artichoke person who believes that crust slathered with cheese and chunks of artichoke hearts is “gourmet”.

The Insanity must stop! we must all band together with one voice!

Sign up below!

 

The Group Pizza Ordering Manifesto v1.0

(I’m humble enough to take feedback from this post to improve this list)

  1. For every “crazy*” pizza that is ordered at LEAST THREE “standard pizzas” shall be ordered, of which at least TWO shall be pepperoni.

The pepperoni always runs out first, let’s balance the scales here.

  1. Persons who DEMAND the order of a “crazy pizza” shall eat only crazy pizza until all crazy pizza is gone.

You wanted it, now eat it!

  1. Under no circumstances shall small fish with eyes ever be placed upon a pizza during “group pizza times”

“you ordered anchovies? really? really? Come-on!”

  1. If any person wishes to place “misc. condiments” upon their pizza, then that person shall first REMOVE the pizza slice that they with to condiment-ize from the general pizza zone.

Ok seriously no-one else likes 45 packets of hot chilies on their pizza!

  1. When the pizza arrives, all those who pledged to help pay shall do so.

It isn’t cool to dine and dash especially on your friends.!

 

Why a Manifesto? Let’s go back Shall we:

At the last office party, a monstrosity with chunks of goat cheese, artichoke hearts, olives, and pesto sauce appeared along the pizza pickup procession. A travesty?

In a perfect world, all pizza would be created equal; and little bits of mystery topping would not be feared far and wide. However, in the light of our, sun on our ever-revolving earth, these insane pizza demands create the undeniable ripples in the very fabric of our well ordered society. Consider:

Great Pizza

Phenomenon #1

“The mad rush for pepperoni”

Pepperoni is a hot commodity. He who earlier voted for some crazy soy cheese and bok choy combination, WANTS the simple beauty, aroma, and zest of the pepperoni.

Post pepperoni rush. The true remnant of the great ordering-a-pizza idea is the less-than-tempting, recongealed and oily remains of the soy cheese, which is missing only one piece. I salute the courageous soul who actually took a bite of that one!

Most importantly, the unfortunate result awaiting our understandable expectation that those who ordered the nose curling, eyebrow raising concoctions should actually eat them, and the ultimate disappointment and final fear as the pepperoni passionate must close their lips over a piece of asparagus and BBQ sauce.

 

Crazy Pizza

Phenomenon #2

“The pizza is like sex effect”

I love pizza. I really love pizza. Pizza is like sex, as even pretty mediocre pizza is still “good”… On the other hand, I have had the morning-after-a-one-night-stand pizza. Early sunlight blindingly exacerbates my alcohol-induced headache, until I am groggily aware of my fuzzy tongue, random unidentifiable aftertaste, and no idea where the hell I am. , It is the “BBQ” chicken and jalapeño pizza, slathered with the cheapest form of Kraft BBQ sauce, and loaded with enough jalapeños to melt your face, and the weird “been-in-the-pizza fridge” chicken that adopted the flavor of salted cured meats. Not the “cure a hangover” pizza. This is restless, boil-erupting-from-your-stomach-begging-to-be-released pizza. This greasy confection induces a feeling of nausea, only stifled by the fear of experiencing that unholy flavor again.


Unholy combinations aside, “bad” pizza, like “bad” sex, is still pretty good.

 

And So…

I call upon you citizens of the web, those reading this in an inter-office memo, the cab-passenger confronted with this in the back seat (rejoice if you can’t understand your cab driver, at least you will have something to read), the porcelain seat sitter, the confused, the amused, the bored…

Take these words and display them near ANY phones used for pizza orders!

Thanks to Pengrin, Kevitivity, and VirtualErn for the pictures!

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